The Wall Street Journal-20080216-Encore -A Special Report-- Picking Up the Pieces- How one mother steered a course through her children-s divorces -- and is now helping others

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Encore (A Special Report); Picking Up the Pieces: How one mother steered a course through her children's divorces -- and is now helping others

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Each year, about one million couples in the U.S. get divorced. That means about four million parents annually can find their lives turned upside down, says Marsha Temlock, a retired vocational counselor in Westport, Conn.

Mrs. Temlock speaks from experience. "I have two children who got divorced," says the 63-year-old. "It came as a shock to me both times."

Much is known about the potentially devastating effects of divorce on families -- on couples themselves and their children. More recently, sociologists and others have come to focus on a third party: the parents of divorcing couples.

Often, older adults find themselves struggling on three fronts at once: trying to help their child (and perhaps their former son- or daughter-in-law); trying to protect their grandchildren; and trying to cope with their own feelings of loss, anger -- even guilt.

To learn more about older parents and divorce, we spoke with Mrs. Temlock, whose experiences in the wake of her sons' breakups prompted her to write a book, "Your Child's Divorce: What to Expect -- What You Can Do."

"I wanted to know if other parents felt the way I did when their children got divorced," she says. "What were their concerns? How did they show support? What boundaries did they draw? How and when did they disengage?"

Here are excerpts from the discussion:

THE WALL STREET JOURNAL: Why is more attention being paid to the parents of divorcing couples?

MRS. TEMLOCK: Parents today -- and when I say parents, I'm talking about seniors -- are more involved in their children's lives than perhaps our parents were. We're younger, healthier -- we seem to have a stake in [our children's] marital happiness.

So, many parents today are drawn into the foreground when their children divorce, whether they want it or not. Even if they live far away.

WSJ: You said you were shocked when you learned that your own children planned to divorce. Are parents often the last to know?

MRS. TEMLOCK: We have to understand that our children are adults; they have other circles of support. They have their colleagues and friends who have gotten divorced. There are all kinds of support groups. For whatever reason, parents may be the last people to hear about it.

I was at a writer's conference, and a man came up to me after a panel discussion, and he said, "I'm very close with my mother, but I didn't tell her until I told everybody else that my wife and I were separating." I said, "Why not?" And he said, "I just couldn't deal with it." When you tell your mother or your father you're getting a divorce, that's when it becomes real.

WSJ: Should parents try to fix the marriage? Should they push their children to seek counseling?

MRS. TEMLOCK: I believe that the parents' role is, first of all, to accept what is. If your child comes to you and says, "This marriage is untenable," I think that you need to show support for your child and say, "What can I do to help you?" The focus is on [your child].

So if you're going to offer any kind of help toward counseling, I would say, "I'm happy to help you financially if you need to see an individual counselor." I think that parents have this knee-jerk reaction to try to fix the marriage, and that's not our role. First of all, we can't know what's wrong. Your child may not know what's wrong.

WSJ: So, is that the first or best step that parents should take when they hear the news?

MRS. TEMLOCK: You need to show support for your child, which isn't the same thing as saying, "I agree with you; I agree with your behavior; I agree with your decision."

I fell into that trap. In both cases, I didn't understand the importance of showing immediate support for my child. I questioned: "What went wrong?" And I tried to understand everyone's point of view. And as a result, both my children were upset with me.

WSJ: Is that always a mistake -- trying to remain neutral?

MRS. TEMLOCK: I think it was for me. But I think there are other mistakes that a lot of parents make. Many don't let go of their anger. Long after the couple has resolved some of the issues, parents will still defend their child and hold on to their anger. We need to be very careful because we are acting as role models for our children and our grandchildren.

So, we don't want to cut out the faces of the ex-in-law from all the pictures.

WSJ: In your book, you discuss a five-stage guide to help parents navigate a child's divorce, starting with acceptance. What are the other stages?

MRS. TEMLOCK: After acceptance is the rescue stage. If your child has been a victim of domestic violence, or has no place to live, or is so terribly devastated that he or she can't function, that's the immediate call to arms.

Then comes responding to changes. After the initial crisis period, your child will be reorganizing his or her life. Maybe your child will decide that he or she wants to move to another part of the country after the divorce -- chuck the Wall Street job and become a cinematographer, or whatever. Those seeds may have been there before, so don't blame it on the divorce. And it's not necessarily a negative; it's just a change.

They also may start dating. They may find the real love of their life, who's completely different from the first wife or husband. The new girlfriend or boyfriend may be a very good thing. So you shouldn't be resistant to change. Some of it will be good, and some of it will be bad.

WSJ: And the final two stages?

MRS. TEMLOCK: Stabilizing the family, and then refocusing and rebuilding.

One grandmother that I interviewed was baby-sitting her grandson, who had a disability, so her daughter could go to work. And she was exhausted. This was a difficult child to care for. So, she looked around, and she found a nursery school that has programs for children with disabilities. And she helped pay for that. Here she was -- she was stabilizing the family, helping her daughter go to work. But she wasn't devoting her life to taking care of a child.

In refocusing and rebuilding, you have children who are interested in getting remarried. Here, parents typically complain about getting the crumbs. "I was so involved in my child's divorce; I helped them through it. He called me 24 hours a day. And now, all of a sudden, I can't even get them to come over on a Saturday with the kids."

You have to readjust to the fact that your child has lots of obligations, probably balancing two families. You now have four sets of grandparents, essentially.

WSJ: You mentioned the grandmother caring for the child with a disability -- and trying to draw boundaries. That would seem particularly hard to do.

MRS. TEMLOCK: You have parents [whose] whole life is taken over -- monopolized by the divorce. I use an example in the book about parents who get constant phone calls from their son or daughter. And at some point, they have to turn off the cellphone, or say to their child: "I really need to get some sleep. It's 10 o'clock at night. Could you call in the morning?"

You need to take care of yourself. That's not being selfish. There shouldn't be any guilt involved with that.

WSJ: What else should parents be on guard about?

MRS. TEMLOCK: First, financial issues. Parents may be tapped right away to provide some kind of financial support, especially when your child is working out the settlement. The problem here is that parents typically continue to support their children; they overextend themselves. There has to be a point at which your child needs, financially, to get on his or her own feet.

Second, you can't neglect the well-being of your other children. My husband and I were on a rafting trip down the Colorado River, and this lovely young woman was our guide. She learned I was writing this book, and her face fell. I said, "What's wrong?" She said her sister had been divorced for quite a few years and was living with her children in a very nice, large house. And [her] parents were paying the mortgage. She said her parents aren't wealthy people, and that they were using her college-tuition money to pay that mortgage. So, instead of going to a private college, our guide [said she] was working two or three jobs and attending a community college.

You can't neglect the needs of your other children because one child has gotten divorced.

WSJ: What about grandchildren? What are the most important steps grandparents can take to help their grandchildren during a divorce?

MRS. TEMLOCK: You need to understand as a grandparent that there will be a shift in your relationship because the grandchildren are adjusting. There will be acting out. They may be angry at you, if, for example, your child is the one who walked out, or is not paying the alimony on time, or is having the affair. You're going to get some of that. And just hold fast.

Your job as the grandparent is to provide a relief from stress and a sense of stability. When they come to your home, everything is the same. You're still Grandma; you're still Grandpa. You still go out for pizza at the same restaurant. They sleep in the same room. They watch the same television programs. You become the safe haven.