The Wall Street Journal-20080113-Love - Money- Money to Grandpa- The Readers Vent
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Love & Money: Money to Grandpa? The Readers Vent
I wasn't going to win any popularity contests last week.
Numerous readers responded -- critically -- to my column last Sunday regarding my grandmother's request for money. Such a request, I wrote, often raises a question: Does the person who is asked for help by a family member have any say in how that money is spent? I ultimately said that with my grandmother, I shouldn't have a say. I gave her the money out of love.
However, a number of readers were furious that I would even consider such a question when a family member needs cash. They also criticized me for saying: "I don't believe children bear an obligation to their parents as a cost of having been raised by those parents."
I disagree with many of the critics, and felt that some were basing their attacks on a misreading of the column, perhaps because I wasn't as clear as I might have been. I am devoting this week's video -- at WSJ.com/loveandmoney -- to a defense of my column.
But for now, I'll just let the readers vent.
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Here's a sense of what I received:
"I hope you never need your children's help."
"You insufferable twit."
"I can't believe you had no sense of responsibility to those who have given their time and money to bring you into this world."
"You should be ashamed for not writing your grandmother a check every month for twice the amount she asked for."
"I think you should rename your column I LOVE MY MONEY."
And so on. . .
James Plath, in Boston, says he was "taken aback" because I came across as "selfish, callous, thankless and cheap. I don't see how you could do anything but give unequivocally to someone so close to you." He says that for him personally, providing "the love, caring, and yes, money, to [his mom] when needed were undoubtedly the right things to do, and help me sleep better at night."
Cynthia White, in Roseville, Minn., says that after reading my column, the words that came to her mind were "selfish, self-indulged, petty, controlling." Ms. White says if my grandmother were a child under the age of 12, "you might have a case" for considering whether it's OK to question a family member's spending. "All you have to decide is if you have the money and if you want to give her some of it."
June Hainlen, also of Roseville, says "money isn't everything in life. Thank goodness you gave your grandmother money that she needed. I'm sure she didn't agonize over helping you as a child nearly as much as you have over how she would spend 'your' money."
And Erica Trout, in Midlothian, Va., says, "Perhaps you should be grateful you have the means to help a loved one financially instead of worrying what she will do with the money. It is children's responsibility to take care of parents. Who else should take care of them? Kind strangers?"
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Not all readers were horrified with the idea that money given to family might come with strings. In fact, some criticized me for ultimately deciding not to attach strings.
Lansing Gatrell, in London, while criticizing me for saying it isn't a child's responsibility to help a parent, believes that "'no-strings' is corrosive to the recipient."
"Requests for money are rarely a single event," Mr. Gatrell says. "If it becomes support (i.e., regular payments) without conditions, it merely reinforces bad habits. Giving money to family so they can 'live well' is often merely displaced guilt."
James Cothern, in Davis, Calif., agrees, saying that I am setting myself up for "disaster." Every dollar I give away, he says, "is one you cannot invest for your wife's well being when she is your grandmother's age. You do not know what is ahead of you. I thought I had a great deal of money put away. My wife was diagnosed with cancer last year. We do not have a clear idea where that will lead us or how much it will ultimately cost. A gift of love for a necessity or for care is one thing, but what you are doing and advising is sheer nonsense."
Many readers who provide support to family members say they understand the question I raised, and have come up with their own answers. Michael Lipham, in Ann Arbor, Mich., says he, too, "grappled" with whether to restrict the funds he was giving to a family member "to something about which I would feel good." His solution: "I write a check each month and send it to the relative, but I make it out to the day care.
"If you pay her cable, phone, car, heat bill, that frees up the rest of her money to go to whatever activity she likes, such as brunch with friends. I know: What's the difference? It's just the edge I need to justify sending [money] each month."
The final word goes to Max Fletcher, in Eureka, Calif., who says he continues to give money to family members "because I think the recipients are headed in the right direction. As you, I definitely do not agree with how the money is spent, and I don't mention their expenditures to them.
"I do this out of love. Thank you for causing me to so reflect."
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Jeff Opdyke covers personal finance for The Wall Street Journal. Email: [email protected]
