The Wall Street Journal-20080117-The Expat Life- After Each Visit to the U-S-- Kids Struggle Returning -Home-- Online edition
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The Expat Life: After Each Visit to the U.S., Kids Struggle Returning 'Home'; Online edition
I was somewhere above the North Pole when my last column, about struggling to put expat privilege into perspective, went live. I was trekking back from Newark, N.J., to Beijing with my sons (my wife and daughter stayed another week) and it struck me midflight that I had missed an important point. While I was worrying about my kids being spoiled by fancy private schools, household help and five-star Asian vacations, they were sitting by my side longing for good ol' Essex County, N.J.
They were mercifully distracted on the 13.5 hour overnight flight by a souped-up Continental 777 with electrical outlets -- unlimited Nintendo DS playing! -- and personal DVD players with 250 viewer options. That kept them from looking back too much, but my kids would gladly trade in our current, more glamorous life for aging public schools, cleaning up after themselves and vacations at the Jersey Shore. All the other benefits of being an expat are really for us, not for them.
My kids miss home and with each visit back to the U.S. it is becoming more difficult for them to accept the fact that they live in China and we have no plans to move back soon. The first two years here it wasn't an issue -- we had nice, extended visits back to the U.S. and then returned, with no drama. But coming back last summer was tough on them and the most recent trip only served to reinforce their feelings. It is, I assume, our new paradigm.
Last August, we left immediately after my nephew's bar mitzvah, with all the families still gathered in New Jersey, and they wanted to stay. Jacob cried hard the night before our departure. His cousins Sarah and Emma (18 months and two and a half years older than him, respectively) tried to comfort him with reassuring words and encouragement about his present life. The whole conversation was sweet.
"It's so cool you live in China."
"Only when we go on vacation. The rest of the time it's just school and homework."
When this job opportunity came up for Rebecca in 2005, we both understood that the timing was perfect to make an international move and that it would only get more difficult as our kids got older and approached adolescence. Now nearing 10, Jacob is a veritable tween. His younger brother Eli follows his lead and in any case, as our most sensitive soul, has always been the most affected by our move, even though he wasn't yet five when we came to Beijing.
Both boys have complained more about living here since that summer visit. They have become aware of what they're missing, that life elsewhere doesn't stop while we're on our little adventure. We have avoided talk about next summer, when we won't be able to go back because of the Olympics, but it came up repeatedly during this recent visit, and Jacob took the news hard. He was outraged initially, and complained bitterly, trying to change our minds. After realizing the futility, he just kept giving everyone big weepy hugs and saying, "See you in a year."
At least he didn't write a story called "The Day My Parents Ruined My Life: A Novel," as 10-year-old Xiaolei McLean did five years ago when her parents told her they were moving back to China (where she was adopted) after two years in Portland, Ore.
"It was written on elementary-school paper -- the kind with lines on the bottom and room for a picture on the top," recalls Xiaolei's mom, Shelby McLean. "There's always a point where kids experience moving as a loss and my [three] kids go through it every time they have to say goodbye to their cousins to return to China."
That sounded familiar; Jacob was literally pained every time he said goodbye to a beloved cousin, often developing a toothache whenever such a parting loomed. Whether the pain was psychosomatic, or whether anxiety was making him grind his teeth and hurt a recently-filled cavity (which his dentist suggested was possible), it was definitely caused by saying goodbye to people he loves.
His mental state continued to affect his senses upon our return. We were staggering through the passport line in Beijing, when Jacob started complaining about extreme thirst. He walked to the water cooler, only to return spitting and gasping. "The water in China tastes horrible!" he said. We bought a Diet Coke on our way out the door and he reacted the same way. It was obvious to me that he felt sick to be in China and everything he put in his mouth reinforced the feeling. On the way home, he claimed he had to throw up twice and got out of the car, where he spit on the ground. All the while, he was muttering to me about "living on a different continent than everyone else."
Still, it didn't take long for the boys to settle back into their old routines. Their friend across the street got a new puppy, which has provided endless excitement for them, and a reminder just how young they still are, for me. As Mrs. McLean said to me, "When kids are younger, the things they notice that are different between the two places are very superficial. If they have parents who love them and a place to sleep and eat and play they don't really care where they are."
Our kids are just nearing the end of this stage and I think they are in an interesting position: We have gone back frequently enough to allow them to maintain close relationships with their nine first cousins and several dear friends, and for them to maintain strongly American identities. And yet, of course, we live in China.
The ultimate guide to raising children overseas is "Third Culture Kids," by David C. Pollock & Ruth E. Van Reken, which many readers have recommended to me. The title phrase refers to children who aren't fully of their parents' home culture or of the culture of their current home, but rather create a hybrid "third culture," in which they relate to one another more than they do to natives of either their current or original home.
"The Third Culture Kid (TCK) builds relationships to all of the cultures, while not having full ownership in any," the late Mr. Pollock explained in a 2004 interview in the Relocation Today newsletter with Beverly Roman, BR Anchor Publishing. "Although elements from each culture are assimilated into the TCK's life experience, the sense of belonging is in relationship to others of similar background."
What intrigues me is that our kids may be a bit betwixt and between -- not overseas long enough, or quite old enough, to fully become TCKs, and yet too removed from daily life back home to be fully American. I was, however, encouraged by Mr. Pollock's thoughts on how best to get a kid through difficult transitions.
"The greatest help can be an understanding and patient parent who listens well and empathizes," he said in the same interview. Some things are the same wherever you live.
As I was finishing off this column, Jacob walked downstairs and said he was thirsty and asked if we still had "that Diet Coke from the airport." Happy to learn it was still in the refrigerator, he went over, poured himself a glass and took a long drink. I never thought it could feel so good to watch one of my kids drink soda.
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Write to me and I'll post selected comments in a future column. Please let me know if you want to share your thoughts but don't want your letter published. My last column, about struggling to put expat privilege into perspective for my kids, elicited more mail than anything I've written. What follows is a sampling, edited for space. As always, I am humbled and awed by my readers' insights. You all continue to inspire me and keep me on my toes in the best possible way.
It's a small world and there are different lifestyles everywhere. Your children are receiving a fantastic education.
-- Fran Goode Akridge
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My very wise father told us as we were growing up in India -- "It is easy to get used to more, it is then very hard to come back to what you were very happy with originally." Now that I live in the U.S., we are acutely aware that our children do not comprehend that they are luckier than upwards of 98% of the people on the planet. Travel and exposure to how most people really live is the answer for us.
-- Harsh Koppula
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I lived as an expat for 25 years and have witnessed the effects of the expat lifestyle that you describe on many people. It affects everyone to some degree but it is particularly damaging to a significant percentage of children. Many grow up addicted to the exorbitant lifestyle and convinced that they are special and experience difficulties integrating into the normal American society.
Your concerns are valid and should be considered by anyone contemplating the expat experience. I feel that if a parent is aware of the potential problems then they have a shot at maximizing the positive aspects and minimizing the downside.
-- Mike Strimenos
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I'm a 16 year old who grew up in Hong Kong, perhaps the ultimate city of consumerism. My family definitely qualified for the "very fortunate/privileged" category. However, thanks to the way my parents brought me up, I have been spared from becoming too spoiled.
Children learn so much from their parents. If the parents were to uphold the values of not taking it for granted, then the children will no doubt take those values on as well.
-- Arthur Tsoi
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You are doing absolutely the right thing by letting your kids experience the travel and life in China. Once you come back to the U.S., the children may initially miss their Chinese maid or their driver but over time they will miss the culture and the unique experiences they had. You will of course, increase their tolerance towards others and their independence. Overall, you will make them much stronger individuals, who are humble enough to see the best in every society and person even if the society and culture does not look like theirs.
-- Rajesh "Raj" Balachandran
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Our family lived in Europe while our children were in primary and middle school, facing the same seduction you describe -- that the extraordinary can be boring. We've helped to counterbalance that by also traveling and vacationing as a family in Central America in some out-of-the-way places where my wife and I lived prior to having children. It gives them (and us) a broader perspective on how many in the world live. It's humbling to acknowledge that almost anything we experience will be extraordinary by the standards of most of the inhabitants of this planet.
-- Phil Bontrager
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My family returned from Tokyo six years ago. Now 13, 11, 9 and 7, our kids really do appreciate their expat existence and the opportunities they had to travel, go to international schools, and live as an outsider in a culture. The side that is most difficult is the move back home. It's hard not to drink too deeply from the expat well, but it's really the grown-ups in our house who still miss that life. Now our kids are amazed at a driving trip to Florida or opening new bikes at Christmas!
-- Cathy
Many, many readers expressed similar views about repatriation. It is something I will write about in a future column.
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My wife and I both read your article with interest -- and sad smiles of self-recognition. We only wish you'd had more solutions to add to your elegant description of the problem. Our daughter, now 10, has lived in Bolivia since she was three and suffers acutely from over- privileged syndrome. My long-term plan is to borrow an idea from the Viet Cong and send her home for a period each year in "re-education camp" at my sister's house. My sister, I discovered to my shock and amazement, can even get her to wash windows.
-- David Boldt
I'm not surprised by your daughter's change with your sister. Kids act very differently with others than they do with their parents and the former is more revealing of their true nature, in my opinion.
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I'm not an expat, but I share the concern. We don't want to wait until retirement to travel and do want to give the kids more than we had growing up, so we've taken them on special trips. We try to combine those experiences with helping at food pantries, visiting elderly neighbors, etc., and hope they get that life isn't all about first-class. Of course the iPods, laptops, etc., give them access to more than anyone has ever had anyway, but building moral character is still the same important task.
-- Jon Kenton
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Kids are kids, and kids do what kids do, no matter what, and you can't do anything about it. If you think you can, you are in for a rude awakening. I suggest that you stop worrying, accept your kids as they are, relax and enjoy.
-- Charles Fleming
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We moved to the United States six years ago; our son was 12 and it was his fifth international move (Buenos Aires, London twice, Brussels, Madrid). He was eight years old when, driving him to school at the French Lycee in Madrid one morning, I broke the news as gently as I could that we'd probably be moving again soon, to London, after only a year and a half in Spain. I told him I realized he'd be leaving friends behind once more and that this was tough on him, but assured him that when he grew up he would appreciate in hindsight the adaptability he was gaining.
He thought about it for a minute, and asked: "Are you saying that people generally spend their entire lives in just one place?"
-- Andres Wolberg-Stok
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I'm a young father like most Chinese, and we hope to give the best life to our kids, for example let them fly sometimes in first class. Will this do any harm to them, or cause any problem for their growing ? I feel you are right, but could you explain why you are worried about the kids enjoying the more comfortable life?
-- Jerry
Your letter is typical of feedback I received from Chinese readers by email and in my Chinese forum. In America, it is not normal for people to have so much help. I want my kids to be independent and know how to take care of themselves. There is nothing wrong with flying first class except that I feel that kids who have too much too young end up bored and restless -- and with no place to go. If you're riding first class and visiting five-star resorts in Thailand when you are eight, what do you do when you're an adult?
Also, a related issue that I barely touched on in the column but will come back to another time is that expat kids are treated as being special here and I don't want them to develop a sense of entitlement -- of thinking that they are owed favors or special treatment.
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I commiserate with your worries for your children. However. . .this exposure to travel and even the high life will benefit them. I was lucky enough to be the son of James Montgomery, VP Marketing & Sales for PanAm in its heyday. I started traveling the globe at age three and we always went first class. The experience was fabulous. My father always stressed how lucky we were and worked to be sure I didn't act like a spoiled brat (it didn't always take).
My incredible experiences traveling to India, Thailand, Ireland, and other places from age four helped shape my understanding of the world and life outside the United States as well as giving me an appreciation for how lucky we all are to be citizens of this great nation.
You and your wife sound like the kind of parents that will direct your children's experiences towards insight and understanding rather than ennui. Travel and enjoy, they will remember these times with their parents fondly.
-- Michael O. Montgomery
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At one company I worked with, the plant manager was such an integral part of the political scene in Penang Malaysia, he could not fathom moving back to the U.S. and being an ordinary citizen again. I've seen this time and time again with expats and that's how I came up with the Apocalypse Now Syndrome. People experience all this luxury over in South East Asia and they can't bring them selves back to "reality." You are just another person on this planet, no greater then anyone else.
-- Chris Landauer
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When I hear myself giving [my kids'] the "think of the poor/hungry/etc. children" speech that my parents gave to me, I can see the blank looks on their faces which indicate that, at five and three, it's next to impossible to conceptualize a life other than your own, and therefore to appreciate what you have. If someone else has figured this out, I'll be anxiously awaiting their advice!
-- Amy Kuntz
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I lived as an expat kid with my parents overseas too and had similar outbursts because I was looking for the "normal" within the context of the "unfamiliar". It did not prevent me from absorbing the diversity of the cultures and locales to which I was exposed during this formative period of my life. It was only when I got married and was able to view these places through the eyes of my wife (who was landlocked for most of her life in the Midwest) that I began to appreciate the immense impact these experiences had on the course of my life. These experiences gave me a unique perspective on life that could not have been duplicated in any other fashion.
Your kids will be fine. Have fun in China.
-- Sandeep S. Sheth
